My Suggestion for a Privacy Statement

Most privacy statements for web-sites include something about the use of cookies. Recently I was peripherally involved in the re-drafting of one such section.

No, not that kind of cookie

Here's my "draft", which could be used as a honeypot to see if anyone ever reads these things:

We do not use cookies to determine the identity of individual users, unless you log in, in which case we track you using all available means, including, but not limited to: satellite, your mobile phone, secret service operatives, cookies, ice cream, fudge, radio-receivers implanted in your molars, and miniature remote-control insects. Depending on what we catch you doing we may use this information for blackmail or our own amusement at in-house video-nights. However, rest assured that we do not permanently store any of the gathered information.

Naturally, this is not the version that we are going forward with.